Editing Assigment

The first place I went was to Mr. Herb's but to my surprise when I opened the front door his house was empty.

Revised: The first place I went was Mr. Herb's, to my surprise when I opened the front door the house as empty

I paused thinking of some kind of little fib to make it more fun then what it actually was

Revised:I paused, thinking of some kind of little fib to make this more fun than it actually was.

“This is how it went” said Josh

Revised: "This is how it went."  Said Josh.

Mr. Clean house was an ugly yellow color. 

Revised:Mr. Clean's house was an ugly yellow colour.

A silly lion wouldn't defeat me but I’m not going to risk waking a lion and hurting him.

Revised: A silly lion wouldn't defeat me, but I'm not going to risk waking a lion and hurting him. 

The tree in the back yard stood so tall, within the tree was the tree house not just any tree house, it was a magic tree house.

Revised: The tree in the backyard stood so tall, within the tree was the tree was the tree house not just any tree house, it was a magical tree house.

Its not that big, but its yellow with a blue roof. 

Revised: It's not that big, but it's yellow with a blue roof.

No wonder he is in the old folk’s home, he shouldn’t be allowed to drive. 

Revised: No wonder he is the old folk's home, he shouldn't even be allowed to drive.

It was shinny, I thought it was something I lost in the tree when I was playing astronaut a few days ago.

Revised: It was shiny, I though it was something I lost in the tree when I was playing astronaut a few days ago.

She took her paper out and started to role it up so I went on the run again.

Revised:  She took her paper out and started to roll it up so I went on the run again.

So to save time we jumped the fence, not knowing that our neighbour was mowin the lawn we ran out in front of the strip he was mowing, that must of made him mad because he chased up quite a ways up the road. 

Revised:  So, to save time we jumped the fence not knowing that our neighbor was mowing the lawn we ran out in front of the strip he was mowing, that must of made him mad because he chased us up the road.

My dad seen me and said “I’m going to count to three if you don't get off the top of that car you are grounded for a week!".

Revised: My dad saw me and said "I'm going to count to three, if you don't get off the top of the car you are grounded for a week!"

But I didn’t see anything scary I just seen a cute little puppy, the puppy had his collar caught on a branch. 

Revised: I didn't see anything scary, I just saw a cute little puppy, the puppy had his collar caught on a branch.

Jonah knew it was getting at least three o’clock and he needed to come home soon because he grandparents could already be worried sick. 

Revised:  Jonah knew it was getting to be at least three o'clock and he needed to come home soon because his grandparents could already be worried.

I let out a little yell when it turned on and he let out a chuckle and said in his friendly voice “Hey, Sorry if I startled ya!”

Revised:  I let out a little yell when it turned on and he let out a chuckle and in a friendly voice said "Hey, sorry if I startled you!"

The world is such a sick and twisted place now, it’s not safe for children to go out by themselves when there’s maniacs such as rapists, murderers, etc. on the loose.

Revised:  The world is such a sick and twisted place now, It's not safe for children to go out by themselves when there is maniacs such as rapists and murderers on the loose. 

There is a maze and you must pass through at least five courses to have finished the maze.

Revised:  There is a maze, you must pass through at least five courses to finish the maze. 

 later on that day I dicided to go for a little hunt back in the woods to see if I could get any birds or if I could spot a deer. 

Revised:  Later on that day I decided to go for a little hunt back in the woods to see if I could find any birds or spot a deer.

Time Capsule Letter

Dear whomever it concerns, (even aliens or weird beings)

My name is Danielle Elizabeth Marie Furlong and I am 15 years old writing for a time capsule you may or may not eventually open, I don’t know what kind of being you will be (not that I’m one of those alien crazed people) but you never know right?  I always wonder what the future will be like and if I will live to see how the world may change but I doubt I will.  Technology has advanced since the 90’s and the current date at this moment (if you’re wondering) is December 4^th 2012.

 I always wanted the world to be like the book Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, in case you haven’t read it I’ll give you some background information, You grow up normal in a dorm and go to school until you turn 16, that’s when you undergo this transformation to turn you beautiful, you can decide how you look (how awesome is that?!) and they even have giant screens and computers you talk to and a hole in the wall that spits out whatever you want to wear.  Personally I think the hole in the wall spitting out whatever you want to wear is just the best thing ever created from someone’s mind.

I don’t really think it’s that important for anyone to remember me, after all we’re all going to be forgotten eventually anyway.  No one reading this is going to know how I am right now, my thoughts or even my voice.  It’ll just be a letter and a name.  God, I’m such a negative nelly.  I’m really just an average person, I don’t want to be forgotten no one wants to be forgotten but you can’t help the inevitable. 

My family is a normal family, we fight a lot, and I don’t really get along with them but what teenager does?  I spend most of my time in the basement of my house which I have all to myself, no one goes down so I just assume I have it all to myself.  I love my aunts however, they are really awesome, my mom is really serious and my dad is a giant grumpy teddy bear.  So just picture a drill sergeant and a stuffed toy.  I bet you’re laughing right now, imagining that I must look like the crossbreed of the century, but I look nothing like a stuffed toy or a drill sergeant, thank god.

My community, hmm, how should I explain Blackville?  Blackville sucks.  It’s a small, small town having only about 990 people, we don’t have a fancy school with all star sports and amazing classes, we don’t have a mall.  We have lots of truck stops and fast food places though.  People around here never really have much to do because no one seems to think about the kids, we really have nothing to do around here.  Some end up getting in trouble often and some people never leave the house enough.  It’s hard to get a good balance of leaving the house and managing to find something to do and just not bothering to leave the house at all.  I can’t wait to leave when I graduate, the population of Blackville usually just ends up to be old people who come to retire, which it is a beautiful place to retire to, there’s just not a future here for me.  Until I’m old and gray that is.

The world, what should I say about the world.  Some horrible thing happen, a lot of horrible things happen around the world, every second someone dies and every second four people are born.  Then you have horrible things that happen like the holocaust and 9/11 and volcano eruptions and tournedos and tsunamis and hurricanes.  Thankfully hardly anything that horrific happens here.  There are things like murder, world hunger, rape; things that happen and people hardly notice anymore.  It is truly horrific.  The world is so beautiful though, there are ruins from ancient cities being uncovered and human beings are doing wonderful things even though there is horrible things there are more beautiful things to cover up the horrible and that is what is so amazing about the world.

I’m Danielle and I hope the future is as good as the past if not better.

Time Capsule

There are lots of things you could put in a time capsule like really fascinating things but the best things are the things no one really appreciates. Things like simple pictures and a flag a pen and a journal a book and something I really love that I think people should know about and not be forgotten.  Nothing that was once very important should be forgotten.  However things are forgotten all the time, which sucks.  That is exactly why I think these things should be put in a time capsule. 

Let us start with some pictures, human beings live off of the fact that they never want to be forgotten, this is why Egyptians built pyramids and why Hollywood immortalizes their favorite stars with billions of pictures and names on walkways.  Everyone wants to be forever.  I want to put pictures of my favorite places and people in the time capsule.  Why?  Because I think they are amazing places breathtaking places and simple places.  Places where I feel safe.  Everyone has places they love to go and just be.  I want to share mine.  I’d also put pictures of my favorite people in, not just people of course but my dog and kitty too, they deserve to be immortalized.  Animals are wo/mans best friend and truth be told there is no one who loves me more than my dog.  Who can blame her?  I give her table scraps when no one’s looking just so she’ll love me. I want to savor the moments where I’m laughing when she licks my face and I want to be remembered as being happy with my dog and my friends. 

Next I’d put a journal and pen in the time capsule.  Eventually people are just going to give up pen and paper for good, which too will suck.  I think everyone involved with the time capsule or wants to should have the chance to hold that pen and write in that journal just to write their name or a story or a poem anything really.  That would be pretty awesome, to find a 100 year old pen and journal people wrote in and held, that would be mystifying.

The next thought is purely selfish (but not really); I think an AWESOME novel like Looking for Alaska should be included in the time capsule, it’s a really amazing book and I think everyone should experience the wonders of an awesome book.  Something that you don’t think will reel you in like it does, everyone should know about a girl like Alaska.  Books are powerful creations and if an author can truly capture your attention and your emotions and make everything seem real; it’s so beautiful, something that should never be lost.

Next is another purely selfish thought; there should most definitely be a Doctor Who tardis (time and relative dimension in space) toy should be put in the time capsule.  Why?  Because not only is it the best show ever but I want to know if the future really is like they show in the show because that would be totally awesome.  The Doctor is really a child at heart and he’s always lonely so I think more people should learn the things I learnt from that tv show.  From the show people can get a sense of what our past was like because not only did they go to the future in the show they went to the past as well and though they changed it most of the facts are the same.  It’s a fun way of learning history.

Lastly, I’d think to add the Canadian flag to show patriotism, plus what if they change the flag?  I know they haven’t in forever but if they do I think it would be interesting for someone to find.  What if Canada isn’t even a place anymore in the future?  How interesting would it be to find a flag of a place that doesn’t even exist in their time?   

The Adventures of the Invincible Duncan

               Nothing is more exciting than the adventurous walk home; I walk home every day and make it a new adventure all the time!  Once there were lions traveling and once there was a ground of lava, everyday is an adventure when you think of it you just have to make the best of it!  All you need is imagination, that’s what SpongeBob said and I think he’s right.  I began my adventure as I walk away from the dreary place they call school.  I hate school; they never let us use imagination everything has to be black and white and dull. 

                My journey truly began when I reached the forest the forest is where the lions always rest; you can’t hurry through because you may wake them up.  I've never battled with a lion and I don’t think I ever would want to; I of course would come out on top though!  The invincible Duncan is what they call me!  A silly lion wouldn't defeat me but I’m not going to risk waking a lion and hurting him.  I gracefully pounced as if I was a lion myself, through the jungle of trees.  I step through vines of death and easily get past their foolish traps.  Soon I make it out alive and well with only a small scrap from tripping over a branch that resembled a snake so it was probably a snake playing tricks on me.  I never would of fell, I’m simply too graceful for falling.

                Sooner than I liked I had to walk across a civilized street, there was nothing for imagination on streets.  I began to create a story in my head.  I was a private eye on a mission.  Walking down the streets with a mysterious edge, I was going to save a kidnapped cat.  The kidnapper was a horrible disgusting monster.  The old hag had obviously withered with age and was horribly tempered.  I had to climb to save the Mrs. Snuggles but that was no issue because like I've said before, I’m the most graceful person there is.  I lifted myself from branch to branch climbing the old hag.  “Mew” “mew” “mew” is all I could hear, I had to save Mrs. Snuggles from this horrible catnapper!  I reached up and Mrs. Snuggles crawled across my arm and slinked over my shoulders like a scarf.  I climbed back down the withered tree and Mrs. Snuggles hopped off my shoulder.  I gave him and affectionate pat and continued on my journey, another mystery solved.

                Full of pride I walk off to my next adventure where I was stopped to have a conversation with Mr. Harold.  He had a really shiny head; I could swear he waxed it every morning.  Maybe Mr. Harold had little fairies that shined his head for him; they’d sit atop of his head with cloths and head wax.  Do they even make head wax?  Anyway he stopped me to tell me his wife had made cake for my mom, my parents were very close with the Harold’s.  Mrs. Harold was a great cook so I had to stop and get the cake; I mean seriously who doesn't like cake?  Mrs. Harold came out to greet me with the cake and I smiled happily, there is really nothing better than cake.

                I left the Harold home soon after that and jumped over the fence like a movie star.  I was soon faced with the wicked dog of my neighbors we played a game of who can chase who.  This isn't a fun game considering it is life and death for me and simply a work out for him.  I ran and ran, I jumped in the dog house and over it and after a long run I finally escaped him.  He is an old dog, he gets tired easily but he is still as vicious.  The dog house smelt like dog, big shocker right?  So once I escaped the dog and he got bored of our games I was hiding in the tipi.

                The tipi was just built and it was warmer inside than I expected, I felt like Peter Pan.  I wish I could fly; I’d fly around the whole world.  I would be a super hero I could save everyone!  I could save all the cats from evil trees and telephone poles.  There were small benches around the tipi so I jumped on them and between them to pretend I was flying.  This was an easy task and it was really fun, I was Peter and Wendy had disappeared and I had to go find her.  We were a dynamic duo and I couldn't complete adventures without her!  I knew I probably shouldn't have been in the tipi but I was having so much fun playing, I didn't notice when people walked in.  They stared blankly at me when they entered and I just kept flying.  When I finally noticed them I yelled “I MUST FIND WENDY” and grabbed the cake Mrs. Harold gave me and soared out of the tipi.

                Once I exited the tipi I saw my friends a few feet away I ran to them excitedly.  My face was red and I was laughing like a mad man.  They simply said “what happened?”  That is when I launched into an adventurous tale about how a simple walk home from school got so exciting.  

Words

1- The team won (its) (it's) game. Did you win (yours)

(your's), (to)(too) (two)?

2- They left (their) (there) books (there) (their)

(they're).

3- I hear (your) (you're) about to graduate.

4- (Its) (It's) nice that (there) (their) (they're)

friendly.

5- Although I get (alot) (a lot) of colds, I feel

(all right)(alright)now.

6- (Whose) (Who's) prettier (then) (than) you?

7- Are you tired? I'm out of (breathe) (breath),

(too) (to) (two).

8- Run back and (fourth) (forth) from (hear) (here) to

(their) (there).

9- (Your) (You're) about to (loose) (lose) (your)

(you're) book.

10- Everyone will (accept) (except) the prize (accept)

(except) you.

11- Do you know (weather) (whether) or not he will give

me the prize.

12- Many people (choose) (chose) to live in large cities.

13- Is the doctor (through) (thorough) (threw) with my

exam?

14- What (affect) (effect) does the school (principle)

(principal) have on you?

15- What did he (advice) (advise) you to do? Did you take

his (advice)(advise)?

16- (There) (Their) (They're) are (alot) (a lot) of (your)

you're) friends in the boat.

17- I will (buy) (by) a book (buy) (by) Ray Bradbury.

Five Worse Movies

There are some horrible movies out there, but there are some really horrible ones no one ever really looks into and just watches them for the sake of wasting time.  I looked at some popular-ish movies and ranked them as decent to worse.  Some of these movies should have never even been made and I don’t understand how someone could even create such a useless script.  Not that they’re all downright horrible they just don’t fit their purpose or were a total let down.

The first movie on the list is Twilight. Yes, I said Twilight.  Some people are objecting and screaming in their heads right now “NO EDWARD IS LIKE THE HOTTEST THING EVER HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT.” Girls, I went there.  Most people who read the books like myself are completely annoyed with the movie.  The first movie left out so much and added so many stupid things it was ridiculous.  Plus, Robert Patterson looked constipated through the whole movie, not hot at all.  The first movie ruined all the rest of them with everything added and taken out, in my opinion anyway.  Who isn’t annoyed by the franchise?  Who wants Robets constipated face on a cereal bowl?  ME ME ME, not really though because how much it has gotten out of hand is crazy.  They even have collector cards!  Better go pick them up while I keep complaining about movies.

Next on our rampage is Son Of The Mask, yes, yes it was a decent movie but they made a sequel to a Jim Carrey movie and they didn’t even put Jim Carrey in it!  Plus, the baby looked animated half the time and it wasn’t nearly as funny as the first one, the film company probably just wanted to make more money from the idea but in reality they spent 84 million making it and only got a world wide income of 57 million.   It has poor editing, like when Tim wakes up at night to feed the baby he smashes out the light and it stays on?  That’s a pretty good light if you ask me.  What made that first movie was Jim Carrey, without him the sequel is nothing.

Superbabies:  Baby Geniuses 2, with that title what comes into your mind?  Because I just picture a lot of crying and really bad smells.   Yes, they made a sequel to a movie about babies saving the world.  Like that was such a good idea in the first place.  The movie only made 9 million world wide.  Plus, the babies aren’t even babies!  They are toddlers saving the world, more believeable?  I thought so.  When I saw this movie come on tv I shut the tv off and read a book instead.  “Kahuna: So it's true what they say, there is nothing good on TV.”  A quote from the movie describes my feelings towards it perfectly.

  Paranormal Activity is the most pathetic excuse for a horror movie ever.  I don’t care what anyone says, they are so low budget, I don’t even think the actors are real actors!  If you honestly believe they’re real you are ridiculous, the camera movements make a lot of people sick, I think vomiting is scarier then the movies themselves.  I mean, I know exorcist was great in its day but looks pretty low budget now but come on, at least it has a theme!  Paranormal Activity movies make me cringe everytime I see the next movie poster.  I just cannot understand why someone would waste ten dollars to see it in theater.  Its pretty funny when in every movie someone gets hauled across the floor or down some stairs.   I like to think they’re going on an adventure,  I think getting hauled across the floor is pretty fun, I think it was every kids favorite thing to do with their playtime.  Most.  Pathetic.  Horror.  Movie.  Ever.  I wouldn’t even call it horror its like a home movie gone wrong, like something people would put on youtube.  The Rite was a better than Paranormal Activity, and that says something.

Dream House is probably the movie I was most disappointed with in the history of like ever.  I thought it was going to be this awesome horror movie like the trailer portrayed and I was SO excited to watch it and its actually the most screwed up movie.  The husband is like this horrible physopath I just cannot understand the plot.  To this day I’m still thinking “What did I just watch?”.  That’s how bad that movie was,  I had to stuggle to convince myself to finish it.  It would have been a good movie, but they mislead you so bad with the trailer.  I had to stop midway through the movie and wiki the plot.  You cannot make everyone think it’s a horror movie with the trailer then give them a phsycological thriller.  That’s just not okay!  I’m so glad I rented it instead of paying money to go see it.  I was just left so disappointed, I have never been disapointed in a movie until the day I watched Dream House, that is why it’s the last movie on this list, and the worse.

You may agree, and I hope you do that these are the five worse movies, but if you don’t, rewatch them and re-evaluate your thinking.  Think of movies that are SO much better that you could be watching rather than wasting your time with those ones.  Not that they are really that horrible but they lacked what I wanted to see in the movie and that’s why they are on my list of worse movies.

Revised Sentences

• The sentences waiting to be revised...

• It was the hurricane I seen on TV and, I automatically knew I wanted to help.
• Revised: It was a hurricane I saw on TV, I automatically knew I wanted to help.
• 
  
• I was never so scared in my life. everything went silent, then i started dropping.
• Revise: I have never been so scared in my life, everything went silent and then I dropped.  
• 
  
• The only thing I disliked about this review is she went it to great detail about the movie. 
• Revised: The only thing I disliked about this review is that she went into great detail about the movie.
• 
  
• We grabbed the ball off the face off and went down to their side of the quart , I was just outside the 3 point line when I looked up at the score clock and seen there was one second left I took the shot.
• Revised: We grabbed the ball at the face-off and went down their side of the court, I was just outside the three point line when I looked up at the score clock and saw that there was only one second left. I took the shot.
• 
  
• As I cooked my bacon and fried my eggs I knew I was going to have an excellent day.
• Revised: As I cooked the bacon and fried the eggs, I knew that I was going to have an excellent day.
• 
  
• The most valuable player of the team is Josh, he wants to be just like Michael Jordan and all the other popular basketball players. 
• Revised: The most valuable player on the team is Josh, he wants to be just as good as famous basketball players like Micheal Jordan.
• 
  
• I looked and seen Ty and Mark waving.
• Revised: I looked and saw Ty and Mark waving.
• 
  
• The monster let's out a deafening thunder of a roar, hissing and snapping at my Shane.
• Revised:  The monster let out it's defending thunder of a roar, hissing and snapping at Shane.
•  
• Tick...Tick...Tick, its all coming back.
• Revised: Tick, Tick, Tick...  It's all coming back.
• 
  
• the year was 1964, I was just a young boy going to the new train station going to work for my uncle.
• Revised:  The year was 1964, I was just a young boy going to the new train station to work for my uncle.
• 
  
• They should not have been more than half an hour and by the time seven o’clock hit, we knew something was terribly wrong.
• Revised:  They shouldn't have been more then half an hour by the time seven o'clock hit, that was when we knew something was terribly wrong.
• 
  
• The only thing we had to eat was the rotten leftovers of my riders supper from the night before.  
• Revised:  The only thing we had to eat was rotten leftovers from my riders supper the night before.
• 
  
• I heard a crash in the woods the brush was rustling and the trees cracking.
• Revised: I heard a crash in the woods, the brush was rusting, the trees were cracking.
• 
  
• ...and yet it has already set out on it’s long journey, in search of where he belongs in this world.
• Revised:  Yet, it has already set out on it's long journey, in search of where it belongs in this world.
• 
  
• Soon I meet up with the only person who’s time I enjoy, my dearest friend Rory, her hair is so short you can barely run your hands through it, but it suits her.
• Revised:  Soon I meet up with the only person who's time I enjoy; my dearest friend Rory.  Her hair is so short she can barely run her hands through it but, it suits her.
• 
  
•  I often travel, I run a blog about visiting un-mapped places. 
• Revised:  I travel often, I run a blog about visiting places that aren't on the map.
• 
  
• As we put our winter clothing on to head out. I can almost smell the turkey dinner waiting on the dining room table. 
• Revised:  As we put on our winter clothing to head out, I can almost smell the turkey dinner waiting on the dining room table.
•  
• I usually don’t agree to go into town because of the fact of how the people.
• Revised:  I usually don't' agree to go into town, because of how the people (act?)