Editing Assigment

The first place I went was to Mr. Herb's but to my surprise when I opened the front door his house was empty.

Revised: The first place I went was Mr. Herb's, to my surprise when I opened the front door the house as empty

I paused thinking of some kind of little fib to make it more fun then what it actually was

Revised:I paused, thinking of some kind of little fib to make this more fun than it actually was.

“This is how it went” said Josh

Revised: "This is how it went."  Said Josh.

Mr. Clean house was an ugly yellow color. 

Revised:Mr. Clean's house was an ugly yellow colour.

A silly lion wouldn't defeat me but I’m not going to risk waking a lion and hurting him.

Revised: A silly lion wouldn't defeat me, but I'm not going to risk waking a lion and hurting him. 

The tree in the back yard stood so tall, within the tree was the tree house not just any tree house, it was a magic tree house.

Revised: The tree in the backyard stood so tall, within the tree was the tree was the tree house not just any tree house, it was a magical tree house.

Its not that big, but its yellow with a blue roof. 

Revised: It's not that big, but it's yellow with a blue roof.

No wonder he is in the old folk’s home, he shouldn’t be allowed to drive. 

Revised: No wonder he is the old folk's home, he shouldn't even be allowed to drive.

It was shinny, I thought it was something I lost in the tree when I was playing astronaut a few days ago.

Revised: It was shiny, I though it was something I lost in the tree when I was playing astronaut a few days ago.

She took her paper out and started to role it up so I went on the run again.

Revised:  She took her paper out and started to roll it up so I went on the run again.

So to save time we jumped the fence, not knowing that our neighbour was mowin the lawn we ran out in front of the strip he was mowing, that must of made him mad because he chased up quite a ways up the road. 

Revised:  So, to save time we jumped the fence not knowing that our neighbor was mowing the lawn we ran out in front of the strip he was mowing, that must of made him mad because he chased us up the road.

My dad seen me and said “I’m going to count to three if you don't get off the top of that car you are grounded for a week!".

Revised: My dad saw me and said "I'm going to count to three, if you don't get off the top of the car you are grounded for a week!"

But I didn’t see anything scary I just seen a cute little puppy, the puppy had his collar caught on a branch. 

Revised: I didn't see anything scary, I just saw a cute little puppy, the puppy had his collar caught on a branch.

Jonah knew it was getting at least three o’clock and he needed to come home soon because he grandparents could already be worried sick. 

Revised:  Jonah knew it was getting to be at least three o'clock and he needed to come home soon because his grandparents could already be worried.

I let out a little yell when it turned on and he let out a chuckle and said in his friendly voice “Hey, Sorry if I startled ya!”

Revised:  I let out a little yell when it turned on and he let out a chuckle and in a friendly voice said "Hey, sorry if I startled you!"

The world is such a sick and twisted place now, it’s not safe for children to go out by themselves when there’s maniacs such as rapists, murderers, etc. on the loose.

Revised:  The world is such a sick and twisted place now, It's not safe for children to go out by themselves when there is maniacs such as rapists and murderers on the loose. 

There is a maze and you must pass through at least five courses to have finished the maze.

Revised:  There is a maze, you must pass through at least five courses to finish the maze. 

 later on that day I dicided to go for a little hunt back in the woods to see if I could get any birds or if I could spot a deer. 

Revised:  Later on that day I decided to go for a little hunt back in the woods to see if I could find any birds or spot a deer.

Time Capsule Letter

Dear whomever it concerns, (even aliens or weird beings)

My name is Danielle Elizabeth Marie Furlong and I am 15 years old writing for a time capsule you may or may not eventually open, I don’t know what kind of being you will be (not that I’m one of those alien crazed people) but you never know right?  I always wonder what the future will be like and if I will live to see how the world may change but I doubt I will.  Technology has advanced since the 90’s and the current date at this moment (if you’re wondering) is December 4^th 2012.

 I always wanted the world to be like the book Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, in case you haven’t read it I’ll give you some background information, You grow up normal in a dorm and go to school until you turn 16, that’s when you undergo this transformation to turn you beautiful, you can decide how you look (how awesome is that?!) and they even have giant screens and computers you talk to and a hole in the wall that spits out whatever you want to wear.  Personally I think the hole in the wall spitting out whatever you want to wear is just the best thing ever created from someone’s mind.

I don’t really think it’s that important for anyone to remember me, after all we’re all going to be forgotten eventually anyway.  No one reading this is going to know how I am right now, my thoughts or even my voice.  It’ll just be a letter and a name.  God, I’m such a negative nelly.  I’m really just an average person, I don’t want to be forgotten no one wants to be forgotten but you can’t help the inevitable. 

My family is a normal family, we fight a lot, and I don’t really get along with them but what teenager does?  I spend most of my time in the basement of my house which I have all to myself, no one goes down so I just assume I have it all to myself.  I love my aunts however, they are really awesome, my mom is really serious and my dad is a giant grumpy teddy bear.  So just picture a drill sergeant and a stuffed toy.  I bet you’re laughing right now, imagining that I must look like the crossbreed of the century, but I look nothing like a stuffed toy or a drill sergeant, thank god.

My community, hmm, how should I explain Blackville?  Blackville sucks.  It’s a small, small town having only about 990 people, we don’t have a fancy school with all star sports and amazing classes, we don’t have a mall.  We have lots of truck stops and fast food places though.  People around here never really have much to do because no one seems to think about the kids, we really have nothing to do around here.  Some end up getting in trouble often and some people never leave the house enough.  It’s hard to get a good balance of leaving the house and managing to find something to do and just not bothering to leave the house at all.  I can’t wait to leave when I graduate, the population of Blackville usually just ends up to be old people who come to retire, which it is a beautiful place to retire to, there’s just not a future here for me.  Until I’m old and gray that is.

The world, what should I say about the world.  Some horrible thing happen, a lot of horrible things happen around the world, every second someone dies and every second four people are born.  Then you have horrible things that happen like the holocaust and 9/11 and volcano eruptions and tournedos and tsunamis and hurricanes.  Thankfully hardly anything that horrific happens here.  There are things like murder, world hunger, rape; things that happen and people hardly notice anymore.  It is truly horrific.  The world is so beautiful though, there are ruins from ancient cities being uncovered and human beings are doing wonderful things even though there is horrible things there are more beautiful things to cover up the horrible and that is what is so amazing about the world.

I’m Danielle and I hope the future is as good as the past if not better.

Time Capsule

There are lots of things you could put in a time capsule like really fascinating things but the best things are the things no one really appreciates. Things like simple pictures and a flag a pen and a journal a book and something I really love that I think people should know about and not be forgotten.  Nothing that was once very important should be forgotten.  However things are forgotten all the time, which sucks.  That is exactly why I think these things should be put in a time capsule. 

Let us start with some pictures, human beings live off of the fact that they never want to be forgotten, this is why Egyptians built pyramids and why Hollywood immortalizes their favorite stars with billions of pictures and names on walkways.  Everyone wants to be forever.  I want to put pictures of my favorite places and people in the time capsule.  Why?  Because I think they are amazing places breathtaking places and simple places.  Places where I feel safe.  Everyone has places they love to go and just be.  I want to share mine.  I’d also put pictures of my favorite people in, not just people of course but my dog and kitty too, they deserve to be immortalized.  Animals are wo/mans best friend and truth be told there is no one who loves me more than my dog.  Who can blame her?  I give her table scraps when no one’s looking just so she’ll love me. I want to savor the moments where I’m laughing when she licks my face and I want to be remembered as being happy with my dog and my friends. 

Next I’d put a journal and pen in the time capsule.  Eventually people are just going to give up pen and paper for good, which too will suck.  I think everyone involved with the time capsule or wants to should have the chance to hold that pen and write in that journal just to write their name or a story or a poem anything really.  That would be pretty awesome, to find a 100 year old pen and journal people wrote in and held, that would be mystifying.

The next thought is purely selfish (but not really); I think an AWESOME novel like Looking for Alaska should be included in the time capsule, it’s a really amazing book and I think everyone should experience the wonders of an awesome book.  Something that you don’t think will reel you in like it does, everyone should know about a girl like Alaska.  Books are powerful creations and if an author can truly capture your attention and your emotions and make everything seem real; it’s so beautiful, something that should never be lost.

Next is another purely selfish thought; there should most definitely be a Doctor Who tardis (time and relative dimension in space) toy should be put in the time capsule.  Why?  Because not only is it the best show ever but I want to know if the future really is like they show in the show because that would be totally awesome.  The Doctor is really a child at heart and he’s always lonely so I think more people should learn the things I learnt from that tv show.  From the show people can get a sense of what our past was like because not only did they go to the future in the show they went to the past as well and though they changed it most of the facts are the same.  It’s a fun way of learning history.

Lastly, I’d think to add the Canadian flag to show patriotism, plus what if they change the flag?  I know they haven’t in forever but if they do I think it would be interesting for someone to find.  What if Canada isn’t even a place anymore in the future?  How interesting would it be to find a flag of a place that doesn’t even exist in their time?